Is your relationship a struggle?

Are you experiencing relationship difficulties? Do you feel that it’s all an uphill struggle? Are you caught in frequent marital conflict? If so, perhaps it’s time to stand back and take a long, hard look at your relationship and how you came to be in the place that you are.
Mostly our relationships and marriages start off with such promise. You get on well together, have much in common, laugh a lot, share values and goals, your sex life is great and then….. Well, what happened to the wonderful relationship you once had?
Yes, we can look at and, if we choose to, blame the pressures of life – work, money, children, running a home. There is no doubt that these areas of life can be challenging and create additional pressures. However, they don’t of themselves need to create relationship difficulties.
It’s common (and understandable) when the going gets tough in a relationship to feel that your partner is at least partly (if not entirely) to blame. If only they helped around the house more/were more supportive and attentive/wanted sex more (less?!) often…… They no longer seem to understand you or want to support you and they certainly don’t make you feel the way they used to.
What frequently happens when a relationship or marriage runs into difficulties is that each partner starts blaming the other. A power struggle then begins so that where you were once a team, you’re now at opposite sides of the boxing ring, each trying to win the next round. You find yourselves increasingly isolated from the other and begin to use any method you can to score the next point – sarcasm, withdrawing affection (that’ll teach them), pointing out their ‘defects’.
The problem with this kind of scenario is that no-one ever wins. All that happens is that you become increasingly distant from one-another and what used to feel like love can start to feel like hate.
So what’s the answer? The first step is to take responsibility for the situation. Stop blaming your partner and look at how you have been behaving. What can you change about your attitude, responses and general communication with your partner? How supportive, understanding and loving are you to them? How much time do you spend listening to their feelings and their needs? Where have you been needy, unrealistic, wanting something that you weren’t giving your partner (affection, attention, time……)? These can be difficult questions to ask yourself but vital if you are to take steps to rebuild your relationship.
Then start talking to them. Not the point-scoring, whose to blame kind of communicating you might have sunk into but talking about your feelings with respect for the other, being willing to listen to the other person’s point-of-view. This is often easier-said-than-done and this is where working with a professional counsellor can be beneficial. The presence of a supportive, non-judgemental third party to guide and encourage non-confrontational communication where each person listens and gives the other space to say what they need to say can be very helpful.
Qualified and professional counsellor Carrie Rose offers Relationship Counselling, Personal Counselling, Life Coaching , Workplace counselling and counselling for couples and individuals in the Gloucestershire